Confused

I think I'm going through a mid-midlife crisis. I'm 20 and a single mom still living with my parents. So needless to say I'm struggling to save money and get my own place. So that's frustrating as well as putting in enough time with home/work/studying. My grades are wavering and it worries me about the future I can set up for my daughter. I don't want her to look back and think that I couldn't provide for her or that she was a burden. No child should think this. I'm also at a impasse in my personal relationship. The man that I've been dating and I are speaking about moving in together. Him out from the apartment he shares with the mother of his child and me from my parents. This would mean a 45 min less commute for me but finding childcare (which I've looked into a possible found cheap). It would also mean a huge step in a relationship that is only a few months old. I am worried in this because this is the first relationship for either of us since our respective ex's. I love him and I trust him completely. But.. there's also a but with me. I always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because it tends to in my life. I know that he is far better choice than my past domestic violent relationships but the cold feet are still present. I'm worried this amount isn't normal and my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I'm not scared of his interaction with my daughter because he is great with both his own son and her.  

Frustration at work

I love my job and I'm super glad for the opportunity.
I wanted to get that out of the way before I rant and sound super ungrateful. To explain I'm in a management position, overseeing groups of children in an after school program. So security and information is super important right? Well, I took over the position over a week ago and am finally able to go through and double check information. I have found I have little to no information on the children we are helping, which is necessary because as a company we submit the information for grants to keep the opportunity running. On top of that we have no background checks done on volunteers who work with students on a daily basis! But we have coloring pages and cross word puzzles. Needless to say I'm extremely frustrated and concerned. My predecessor is currently a volunteer and she is great with the kids but I'm not sure what she was doing for 40+ hours a week because it wasn't taking care of business. On the more aggravating level of things I have to wait until students start showing up to get any information, and or my boss decides to come in so I can learn how to do the background checks on everyone. So now I feel like I'm the one not doing my job and not the one picking up the lost slack. This would be okay but I am taking time away from my daughter, school, and new relationship for a job that is about as organized as a frat party after one am.

More frequent

I'm going to start posting more regularly. I finally have my schedule with work and school and social pretty much down. Work is mostly 9-5 then the after school portion working with multicultural kids on academic and nutrition habits. Over my lunch break I go to class and study better ways to communicate and connect with the kids. On the social side, my boyfriend and I are doing great and are actually thinking about moving in together since we only get a few days together every time he gets paid. With me not being able to afford a cell phone the only communication we get regularly is over facebook. And that goes in and out with wifi coverage and down time at work. It hasn't been officially but for three months now but we have shared so much already.

Unseen advantage

We all see the difference among each other as we go through life. Probably starting as early as grade school noticing differences in labels on folders and lunch boxes. Then later its jeans and headphones. As a soon to be teachers I have been wondering what the best way to approach these financial differences are. Being a multicultural teacher I am supposed to address the cultural differences. How do I approach the topics of racism and repression without causing discomfort to those races of students I am speaking for and guilt for those students whose grandparents and parents are the ones causing these treatments.
Not only races differences but financial as well. Am I supposed to expect more from the student who has a brand new laptop and private tutor or am I supposed to give the same judgement to the child who hasn't had breakfast and minimal supper for weeks? Today in one of my classes we took a step forward for advantages we got in the world. Two parent household, college graduating parents, private schools etc. At the end of the lesson I was one of the ones closest to where we had started.
I tried my hardest not to feel resentful to the students who haven't had to take out loans and second jobs. I tried not to feel pouty for living in the ghetto and using food stamps when no one was looking. I strive my hardest to make a life worth living for my daughter so she can have some of those advantages in life but its ridiculously hard to get ahead in these times.
This country's dream is hard work returns great profits. Well I call BS. Yes there are self made millionaires who worked 20+ years before they got somewhere but there are also ones who traded some of daddy's money around.
I find myself wondering who I would be if my situation growing up had been different. If my mom hadn't married and then widowed young and if she had gone to college. If I had not moved so much and established healthy friendships. Sadly I wonder if my daughter would be here and I wouldn't be chugging a 6 pack at some Ivy League school not having to pay attention in class.
I don't wish these disadvantages on anyone.

Rant

Equality in the US then and now.

"All men are created equal" when it was written meaning all Christian White Male Landowners were given some basic rights. This nation may have been built on good intent but was sown with fear of the different and unknown. One major problem with this company of revolutionary colonists was they saw the errors of the English realm and decided to go further back to other more flawed institutions as role models to begin their new 'free' country. 

We coin ourselves the home of the brave because of our men and women who sign up to fight for the freedom of this country which is all true but we are still living in a country where a large percent of the population would define "all men are created equal" the same as their ancestors did 300 years ago. 

Legally this country has had strides, not near as quick as our european counterparts but strides none the less. It has been 50 years since a very important man stood up against the powers at be for freedom for people like himself. He was a great man with a just cause but I believe its time for someone to fight for our country as a whole. 

Every day we see the results of fear, ignorance and swollen pride mixed with self made power. When are we as a people going to stand together and put into reality this dream of equality? Yes we have laws ensuring equality of places to live, work, eat and enjoy with all people alike and not. Even more slowly this government is passing rights on equality of loving others and freedom for our bodies. Progress is being made but not fast enough. 

This bugs me on several levels. Firstly as a human being I believe everyone should have the right to do as they wish as long as it doesn't harm others especially behind closed doors. When people are in public they need to display understanding for others and work toward acceptance. This may be asking alot of citizens and visitors alike but in todays age of 'easy access knowledge' and our self proclaimed mixing pot of cultures tolerance is not enough. Secondly as a mother I don't want my daughter or my step son to interact with children who have been taught to think down to others. I would not wish them to be judged on coming from mixed families and am I not teaching them to treat anyone differently. 

In making sure this is possible there are simple steps everyone can take that don't require huge life changes. Awareness is the first in making the next generation better people so we can be proud of the coming citizens. We as parents cannot be over protective and try to shelter our children from everything we deem unnecessary, risky and or different. We need to set the example of being culturally aware and involve ourselves into as many different points of view as possible. Not necessarily to change current beliefs but to appreciate the existence of others around us.

Dating update

I know everyone says this when they start dating but I think he's the one. He is funny and caring. His son is also adorable. The only problem is he still lives with the mother of his child. It makes seeing him awkward. Not sure how to approach the situation without sounding demanding and needy. We fell fast and it's hard to slow down and think with my brain after feelings are flowing like that. He has a decent paying job and he treats me and my daughter like we walk on water. I don't have a super model shape so when he compliments my body along with my personality it definitely makes me rethink that all men are pigs.
On the lit side of things. I've been rereading A song of ice and fire by George RR Martin. Also I read the two series of Cassandra Clare. I can't wait to be able to see A city of Bones the movie. That's the blessing/curse of having a full work schedule you have the money to do things just not much time. And then when you have time you don't want to, all you want to do is relax. Even though it's only been a week I am already missing True Blood. More though I can't wait for season 4 of Game of Thrones from the aforementioned Martins novels. My favorite character will always be Tyrion but Khaleesi will be a close tie.

Declaration

Today has been an average day in my house. I read several tales from an adult story website. My favorite being about an escort service. It surely helped with my own writing. I did a different style of writing today instead of third person I wrote in first. I think it made my connection stronger but I'm not quite sure with the audience. I also read Tycoon's Revenge  which was from a male's point of view just like the website's story. I quite enjoyed the help on the other side of the pleasure.
On the more personal side of today it was a very forth coming day for the boyfriend and I. Both emotional exploration and physical. Both of us had been burned by the other parent of our respective children so reservation was natural. After a deep heart to heart on my birthday yesterday we connected even deeper. This past weekend we finally embraced each other on a more personal level and found we are compatible in that respect as well. Him meeting my parents went more and less smoothly than I would have thought in the past. I have still yet to meet his parents or any family or friends but that will be soon.
Hopefully this weekend will follow the last and will be connective as well. I am excited to meet his son and for his son to interact my daughter. Not exactly right now because my daughter is definitely having a terrible two day. So today's post will be short. I'll leave you with this thought. When you're having a bad day as a parent just remember your child will be a teenager soon and you will be able to embarrass the heck out of them.

Finally Change

Well tons have changed since I wrote last. Mainly because it has been months. I am dating since the break with the father of my child. I'm proactively working toward my desired weight. I'm putting in at least three writing hours each day. I've dyed my hair back to a darker color and cut in into layers. I've returned to glasses as well. I've been reading Beautiful Creatures  I also watched the newly released movie which was surprisingly good. I've also been broadening my music interests. Now I have been listening to Theory of a Deadman and other music of that genre.
Firstly dating. I never knew I had a type before but now I believe I do. The guy who has been courting me is old fashioned, funny, and a parent also. He lives in the city I go to college in. He has a job that gives him three days off a week. Actually this last weekend we spent it together mostly alone. It was very romantic and intimate. We talked about a wide range of topics until the early hours of the morning every night. I am very happy and hopeful that this relationship will be long lasting.
Because of this new affection I have been feeling more affection toward myself thus wanting to improve upon it. I've been walking and doing zumba at night. I really enjoy making myself look and feel better. Therefore the outward changes to improve upon my own and my boyfriends desire for my body. Along with psychically I want to improve on my financial status as well. I have been putting dozens of hours into job searching and school. Also I have been writing hoping like my father I will be published and be able to better provide for Emma. With writing I've been reading tons more as I find the time so I can see the different styles to see what fits. The music influence is mainly because of the new beau as well. Even though he is from the Lone Star state he doesn't listen to much country himself so I find myself trying to find interest in his music.
I find myself much happier than in my previous relationship. I find myself looking toward the future and being hopeful about it. For now this is all.

Really Exicted

I'm not sure whether Blogger is featuring my snippets or people have happened across my page on accident but I was excited to see so many people take an interest in little ol' me. I will post new subjects / debates later right now I'm too frustrated that I'm paying $367 to see and work on my blog while professor behind me lectures on something I took the quiz on without studying and got a 100%. On the mean while I read Dance with Dragons first few chapters on a preview on Kindle and I'm super excited for it to come out in paperback which isn't until the end of May. That's what I get for wanting the entire series in the same cover. I bought the other four in the box set because I had read them through the library at school. Which is a plus side to UNL that I don't think a lot of colleges have, they have established a relationship with the surrounding schools and libraries to trade and loan books with eachother so students and teachers have a greater pool of access. I know I have used it over 50 times since I started going to school here 2 falls ago and they haven't failed me yet.

pointless classes

I am going to school to become an educator in foreign language with a focus on Spanish why in the world do I need to pay over $400/each for astrology, turf management, and history of jazz classes. I get the general purpose is being a well rounded person entering the work force but I think my time and money would be better served working with native speakers and first generation students. I have to pay for and sit through 14+ 'general education' classes like the aforementioned. I understand that sometimes students go into college being undecided or that they take a few biology classes and decide that being a doctor isn't for them but I am not one of those students. I have known what I want to be since I was a little kid helping my siblings with their homework and teaching them mine to help myself understand my work better. All around I think college should be a tool for me to better myself not waste 6 hours of my time a week listening to a teacher lecture about how corn grows when I live in NEBRASKA. I love the college in the broad sense but there is a lot wrong with it. Number one: I hate the two separate campuses. On the up side the college does provide you with a free bus pass for city buses so you can get around. Number two: The way they have financial aid set up is aggravating. They always have students backed up in line asking for help because it is so confusing and expensive but that's another complaint all together. Number three: The parking is far too few and far too expensive. It's almost $500 a academic year to park anywhere near campus or you have to pay a meter and risk getting a ticket if you are a few minutes late.      

Needs a change

Is it worth staying?

I am having real trouble at home with the father of my daughter. He is really lazy and has been out of a job since October. One second he is really loving and caring like a week ago I fell in the street while going to buy a soda and he was really concerned. But other days all he does is sit on the xbox while I beg my parents (whom we have to live with) to watch my one year old while I try to do homework. How to I break it off correctly? I don't want Emma to lose her father because I grew up without one until my mother got remarried in 2004. This is really troubling me and affecting other parts of my life mainly my relationships with my daughter and my parents.

Round 2

First few days back at school

      You would think my energetic passion to pull up my gpa and further my education would have lasted longer. Nope the thing I've got most excited about is creating my google site for my teach class. 

       I did finish reading The Earl's inconvenient Wife by Ruth Ann Nordin. I found myself reexamining everything I thought about arranged marriages. I also found out that Elizabeth: the disinherited daughter by Elizabeth Arnold Hitchcock is not about Queen Elizabeth I like kindle led me to believe. Also my new favorite 'go to' book is Her Dark Angel by Felicity Heaton. The passion leaped off the pages. As of moments ago I started reading The Seven Devils by Sara Danvers and I haven't been disappointed so far. 

     I will post more later on for now I am off to a Spanish class where I can't understand or hear the teacher. That is all.