Again I took a break for my sanity just to loose it again. I find myself worrying far too much about the future. I'm still in school earning my degree. But, I feel lost at my job. My fluency isn't as great as it used to be so I become embrassed and lose my train of thought. It makes me question my future in the language and my career. The more I get frustrated with that, the more I find I like the feminist movement and gender studies. There isn't many opening for a gender studies high school teacher though. Switching majors at this point would require another three years anyway. I feel stuck.
On the inimate side of things: things are okay. I say okay because I'm still madly in love with the man I've been with for several months now. We spent the holidays with eachother and our children. It's been great. Although we haven't moved in together, due to finances. I did move into the same town though. So we have been seeing alot more of eachother. Until recently, when his company started required over time. We still connect in the bedroom, actually its where we spend most of our time. Either watching Game of Throne reruns (preping him for the new season, I'm oddly proud of myself for getting him hooked on the series) or just getting some quiet time in before our children destroy the house together. The problem lies when we aren't together. He doesn't like talking on the phone and our texting always seems to lead to confusion or disappointment. I'm not sure how to redemy this.
My daughter on the other hand is doing amazing. She's healthy and always full of energy, as an almost three year old little one should be. She absolutely loves Dora and Jake and the neverland pirates. She seems to be a girly girl with pink and purple everywhere but she races cars and blows things up on MineCraft with her uncle as well. As a mom this makes me very proud. Like every other two year old she is in a phase where, if I would let her, she would only get fruit snacks, preferrably Dora of course. So that's it's own challenge. Also we can't seem to get her fully potty trained. She loves wearing big girl panties but she gets into a show and has accidents. With me being gone most work days from 10am to almost 10pm I find it hard to help with this process.
So I have tons going on but in my own sphere it feels like nothing. I feel like I'm going through the motions. I feel like I'm doing what is expected of me. Like recently, I started thinking about marriage. Especially with so many people begging for the right lately. With my mother and step dad both having previous divorces. I have no models even in my extended family, with one exception for a successful loving marriage. So I question whether by adversion to the idea is a rebellious teen idea that I need to get rid of or be happy being with the person by my side?
