Translate

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

mid-mid life crisis

Okay people of the web I'm going through another ridiculous rough patch. My contract at work is almost up so I'm currently looking for work again. That process sucks for all of us, but a lot more right now because I don't have a reliable baby sitter. This is usually the part where my super flexible mother jumps in. Right now she's not doing any jumping, actually not much of anything. This past Friday she had a surgery on both of her breasts to remove cancer. So as her eldest child I have been trying to be there for her but it has been hard. My grandmother came down to 'help out' which has just made the whole situation 1000% worse. I was up for my dream job. A coordinator between after school programs and the non-profits/schools in my community because of my age I was passed over. I'm broken-hearted over it. Even more so at the idea of having to work some minimum wage job in the fall while going to school. It wouldn't be so bad if my mother didn't start chemo within the next two weeks. So on top of my own health issues, I have the entire outside world to deal with. I owe my school triple digit money and no real way to pay them back so I can attend in the fall. I feel like I'm already in this huge 100 foot grave with the rain pouring down on me and every time I try to dig out the sludge pours back in on me. The part that is killing me is that I'm trying. If I was just getting along, none of this would matter to me. But the fact that I'm killing myself with the school load so I can graduate on time and putting 40+ hours in at work to get zero out of it is strangling my spirit. I was so comfortable, getting my body back in shape and moving on to the next step in my relationship even that doesn't raise my thoughts. In normal times like these, when I feel the universal middle finger I would just sing my heart out in the car or on stage but now it makes me sadder. Due to a stupid disease that is making the cartilage in my body swell, is taking away my hearing from me. As a normal person is hard enough but being under those spot lights is where I feel at home. On a platform no one can touch me, no one can make me feel little. All of my stress melts away with my notes. Now even that is a struggle. I'm at a lost of what to do. I can't run away because my daughter (my boyfriend and his son) are here. My family (understandably) is a mess right now and mainly have no clue.