mid-mid life crisis

Okay people of the web I'm going through another ridiculous rough patch. My contract at work is almost up so I'm currently looking for work again. That process sucks for all of us, but a lot more right now because I don't have a reliable baby sitter. This is usually the part where my super flexible mother jumps in. Right now she's not doing any jumping, actually not much of anything. This past Friday she had a surgery on both of her breasts to remove cancer. So as her eldest child I have been trying to be there for her but it has been hard. My grandmother came down to 'help out' which has just made the whole situation 1000% worse. I was up for my dream job. A coordinator between after school programs and the non-profits/schools in my community because of my age I was passed over. I'm broken-hearted over it. Even more so at the idea of having to work some minimum wage job in the fall while going to school. It wouldn't be so bad if my mother didn't start chemo within the next two weeks. So on top of my own health issues, I have the entire outside world to deal with. I owe my school triple digit money and no real way to pay them back so I can attend in the fall. I feel like I'm already in this huge 100 foot grave with the rain pouring down on me and every time I try to dig out the sludge pours back in on me. The part that is killing me is that I'm trying. If I was just getting along, none of this would matter to me. But the fact that I'm killing myself with the school load so I can graduate on time and putting 40+ hours in at work to get zero out of it is strangling my spirit. I was so comfortable, getting my body back in shape and moving on to the next step in my relationship even that doesn't raise my thoughts. In normal times like these, when I feel the universal middle finger I would just sing my heart out in the car or on stage but now it makes me sadder. Due to a stupid disease that is making the cartilage in my body swell, is taking away my hearing from me. As a normal person is hard enough but being under those spot lights is where I feel at home. On a platform no one can touch me, no one can make me feel little. All of my stress melts away with my notes. Now even that is a struggle. I'm at a lost of what to do. I can't run away because my daughter (my boyfriend and his son) are here. My family (understandably) is a mess right now and mainly have no clue.  

"Official" language

This topic was brought to my attention in my multicultural class. it struck a chord with me because I watch people from across the world struggle to learn English.

Of course, there's a different levels of enforcing this law. It could be a federal bill, which means all laws/bills have to be in English, or on the state and local level meaning on signs, information etc would be in english. I think the ladder would have huge crowds on both sides. Proving this, almost every year a bill is put forth at Congress and kicked right back. No one wants to touch this topic. Whether because they have bigger more important tasks (ie minimum wage or population restrictions) or no one is interested in fielding this particular mine field, me might never know.
What I do know is that it would enforce immigrants to learn English faster. Working with them every day I know many work very hard to learn with varying results. Sometimes to the point where their children learn to read and write in English and not in their native language at all. Losing that connection with their families and heritage. Losing the pride they should feel, damaging their self image and outlook on how they should assimilate, look, act, etc.
English being the only written language would maybe being the country together later than sooner. English being the only spoken language I believe would be illegal and evil. I can't see this bill ever going anywhere.

"Walls" building them or breaking them down?

I see myself using social media and technology for A LOT of my waking hours. So it makes me wonder about its effects on my life. It is making me anti-social? Surely its lets me keep in touch with relatives across the globe on a daily basis but would it take that much more effort to text to call them? Definitely, at least personally I find it being my go to time waster. I'm a sucker for the games and pictures of tattoos. I do find it a great news references on the topics I follow like marijuana legalization and LGTBQ rights here and everywhere. I find myself making Facebook groups instead of meeting with classmates in person. Google docs has made work instant and face to face interaction unnecessary. Being very socially awkward myself, I find this online meeting faster, simpler and less hectic. I find I can voice my opinion without instant backlash. Even if the backlash does come I can deal with it calm on the surface (via text on screen) even if I'm emotional. The downside our lifeline becomes whatever device is in front of us. My phone never leaves my hand unless I'm showering or going through a metal detector if I'm awake. To the point where my soon to be three year old can open my phone play angry birds and or call her grandmother to complain.

What do I think about all of this? I think technology is certainly not going anywhere so this is how we are going to communicate. Instead of having meetings we are going to Skype and IM each other. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing unless on a personal level it becomes obsessive. If you literally can't go five minutes without checking your wall or whisper, you have a problem and need to go outside for awhile. If you take dozens of selfies a day you need to find a new hobby. I'm sure decades ago when tvs first came into living rooms, parents then thought social interaction was going to disappear as well too. I think if everyone uses in moderation, our generation and future ones will survive.

Power of words

In the past I've talked about how we separate ourselves through systems of oppression and language is a way we keep them alive. Language, words are the biggest weapon we have as humans. Yes, a bomb was designed to kill millions at a time and that power is undeniable. But! With the power of words one man spread his hatred for everyone unlike him, to hundreds thousands and killed millions. To the point 70 years later we still know his message and the result. Unfortunately, words can be used to inspire with good intentions and not. Humans hear things and spread them like wildfire. Growing up I had a very religious, spiritual step father and a ex catholic mother. both swore when the time was right but one word they couldn't allow was CUNT. It was nails on a chalkboard. So I grew knowing that the word had power that it belittled someone, a woman so much that even grown people were afraid to say it. So, my freshmen year in college when I was in an argument with a ,at the time, friend over a mutual friend that insult got thrown my way. I froze. i wasn't even sure what it meant but I knew she meant to hurt me deeply. I cried, I ran. Looking back I was upset at the broken social contract that I thought was in place not to say that word. The power of words rocked my life. I was scared to speak, I was scared to write.

I vowed to figure out what I was doing. I started looking up words. Fag for instance. One of my best friends is openly out and fabulous. So when he was called this I was appalled but I didn't understand. Fag as everyone should know is a bundle of sticks. What they don't realize is that bundle of sticks was used to light gays, witches, etc on fire alive. So the church would leave sticks on someone's doorstep as a threat to change or be punished. Needless to say I took it out of my vocabulary.
Another word that spoke to me because it is thrown around too easily is Bitch. Yes, everyone knows it refers to a female dog. What they don't realize is that it was used as a word worse than slut or whore. It was shameful and sometimes a life long brand. This generation is trying to take back words. Its a slow process.
I ran across this clip in my women's study's class and fell in love with it. This young girls are amazing. Definitely trying to take back the word. My point here is that we should look at what we are saying. We shouldn't use gay to describe anything but someone's sexual orientation. We shouldn't use words to tear down each other but rather cheer up someone we don't know. We should use our powerful words to unite the people not confine us to boxes.
The fact that in 2007, 32% of students admitted to being bullied is horrible. Bullying, using words to tear each other apart leads to so much more than that student having a bad day. It leads to depression, suicide, killing sprees in the extreme. There is no way a child should not feel safe going to school. As a parent it scares me to no end knowing that my children could be the victims of this. I know I was bullied in high school and it effected me for a long time.
Someone needs to change on how people around the world see their language. They need to know how amazingly hurtful their words can be. Small gestures like a smile at a stranger or holding a door open can make someone's day let alone the spoken words. Kindness is undervalued. If the goal is to be judged by the content of our character we have to live up to it. We have to be nice, patience, loving, to complete strangers and helpful, true, kind to the ones we don't agree with and loyal, caring, true to the ones we love. We have to use our words to change the world. They have power if you are brave enough to use them right.

Too much or too little

American Education System

In this country we probably have the most access to education out there. But is access enough? After 12 years of instruction, hopefully, you are handed a piece of paper. This paper is supposed to be the key to your future professionally. Does it prepare you? I think not.
The high school I graduated from, in rural Nebraska, didn't have tracking, blocking scheduling, and hardly any vocation classes, and maybe two dual credit classes you could take. That being said it was a small school and in my senior English class, because of low scores on the 11th grade standard tests, the class I had to take to graduate, had to (re)learn parts of speech. Luckily I graduated early. So I have taken my education very seriously since. Speaking of tests, I don't think that's what should measure a student's success. According to a tests I took my freshmen year, PSAT pre-act, I could have graduated with presidential honors. If a freshmen can beat a national test and a senior can't form a complete sentence how does our education system work? And how do we fix it?
According to Forbes:
In 2011-2012, 48 percent of U.S. schools were not making AYP (Adequate Yearly Progress) on No Child Left Behind (NCLB) mandates. As reported previously on Crotty on Education, under the Obama administration waiver policy, many states have been exempted from NCLB mandates. Beneficiaries? Unions and politicians. Losers? Students saddled with teachers, principals and school districts that are not meeting even minimal standards of educationexcellence.
Yes, to a point teachers, principals etc should be held accountable but schools shouldn't loss funding if it's failing. That only make teachers work for less and students go without free and reduced lunch among losing fine arts. Not saying succeeding schools shouldn't be rewarded but if a school is failing it needs help not to be broken apart and the students shipped somewhere else. 
This article by Gordon Cawelti points out the many side effects of NCLB that people don't think about.  The worse thing that can happen is have discouraged teachers leading to bored students who don't want to learn. Teachers teaching to the test in core subjects is going to kill any passion they or the students have. Teaching teaching the 'other' subjects art, foreign language etc will feel unimportant and expendable. 
In high school, we start to explore who we are and what we want to do with our lives, how can we put that into boxes and fill in the bubble tests? In school I might have been book smart, but I was in an abusive relationship that led to a teen pregnancy. Who knew? My favorite teacher: a foreign language teacher who took the time to teach us about systems of oppression and how to find our voice. I can honestly say that thanks to her voice in my head, I left the father of my daughter and have been striving to make an impact on society ever since. Will that reflect on a report sent to someone in a cubicle in DC or our ESU? No. Will she get recognized for being an amazing teacher, friend and co-worker? No. All that will be reported is that I graduated early and soared at my standardized tests and college entry exams. 
There's something broken about our education system. If we spend less time, money and effort on testing and get to know our students and teach them about the society around them we can change the world. We can stop domestic violence and give pride back to minorities. If we empower our students instead of making them some statistic, we will have a generation of leaders and activists not illiterate reality show personas. 
Here's my ideas.
1. Tell NCLB to shove it. Each state, district needs to set standards of achievement. I do think federal should set the graduation standard but I think locally should set what classes and how funds to be set. Especially, for elementary and middle schools I think there should be more book fairs, Accelerated Reading programs that reward reading and comprehension, and programs that give books to free and reduced lunch students. I think there should be more classes for minorities like Raza Studies schools in Arizona tried to do. I think gender studies should be a part of the curriculum ideally as well as sexual education. Along with classes like life studies (balancing a check book, resume preparing etc).   
2. Appreciate teachers. First, give them a big fat raise they deserve it. Second, give them free reign over their classes, let them fail the students who deserve it and teach to the majority of class not the students who are slacking. Third, tell them they are doing a great job, most of them are. Could you put up with hundreds of hormonal teenagers a day with a smile on your face? Would you spent dozens of extra hours grading and doing lesson plans  instead of spending time with your family or friends? No? Didn't think so. Teachers are amazing the end. They need support in college and the years of teaching that follow. Students in college should spend more time in the classroom and less time reading some text book. Then they should be paired with a veteran teacher as a mentor in their given field. The first few years of teaching the pair should meet regularly and discuss pros and cons of different teaching styles etc. Schools should provide opportunities for all teachers to go to conferences, training and or continue their education. If we are going to trust them to instruct the next generation they should be held to standards. I just believe those standards shouldn't be whether their students care enough to not blow off a test. 
3. School year. No, here isnt where I suggest year around school but that surely shows to have its advantages in other countries. I do also think school uniforms have merit. Those are things I won't breach right now. I do think though that all schools should offer after school programs until at least 530, so children have a safe place to stay until parents get off of work.  I think students at least in high school should be put on block scheduling to prepare for college settings. I also think that community service should be a requirement to graduate. 

I have tons of ideas and opinions but as a future teacher I know something has to be done or the future generation won't have the passion for reading and learning I have.         

Women as Objects

Ads in the US Then and Now

I keep my opinion to myself about a lot of things but this is not one of them. Twice now in my life, I have watched the documentary MISS-REPRESENTATION.  It's my thoughts that every middle/high schooler should see this film and others like it, like Killing Them Softly. The first time I saw the film, I was fresh out of high school and wasn't a mother yet, the second was weeks ago. Each time, it had a very different effect on me. The first time being a slight boost in my self esteem. I saw the models and some of my idols underneath the makeup and Photoshop they go through before very picture or film finally. I understood at least for a short while, that the ideal I was striving for wasn't realistic. It opened my eyes to how poorly out society treats itself. Women are objectified and belittled. men are put on an inhuman pedestal built on macho standards. Putting the sexes on opposite sides of an invisible fence neither is supposed to glance over let alone cross. Making individuals that don't identify as macho male or a frightened Madonna outside society's norms. We separate ourselves and limit our connections. We make it taboo to respect a woman, calling men who do 'whipped'. And making any woman who demands respect a 'bitch' or 'butch' because according to society she wants to male if she is demanding the same respect males are given at birth.  
This past December, Adweek looked into this horrific trend. Naming the top 10 sexist ads of 2013. I was appalled. I was frightened. Knowing that ads like these show the people that women are less than human. They are just the body of their chests and reproductive organs. The ads belittle them to just being eye candy, being sexual objects. Women are made to be less than human. Making a race, gender, sexual orientation, any group less than human gives others right to treat them anyway they like. Like it or not we live in a rape culture. Where women who wear clothes, that models are displaying, on the town are begging to be taken advantage of. We live in a country where 89,000 rapes are reported annually according to statisticsbrian.com. How do we change this? How do we make this country and world safer for our children? We start with the things they see everyday. We start with the media. Making them regulate the size of models and amount of editing a photo can go through before publishing. We change our attitudes. Women make up over 51% of the population. If we speak up, we change things. Men can be feminist too. Many have already spoken out about the horrid treatment and judgement we place on women.

"Fake" Ad but powerful 

Expanding...

I've decided I'm going to make this blog a bigger part of my life. It might even expand to a website full of tons of other people's opinions as well.
More information to come but right now I have these topics that I'm writing about:
Workforce,
Healthcare,
Education,
Politics,
And Social media.
Of course, these topics will be broken into subcategories that could keep me busy for years. See the need for more help? I'm super excited. But I'm not that great at writing or technology.

I do want to say something quick but every important. Everyone matters. No one's life is more important than the person next to them. Whether you're the president of a country or a peasant inside it, each breath each heartbeat should be counted and rejoiced. Too often we are preoccupied with progress and what we think is the betterment of our lives that we forget what we are bettering our lives for. I'm especially guilty of this when I'm rushing out the door to go to work or school. Today I realized I'm more happy sitting at home laughing at the TV in bed with the three people I love the most than giving a speech about systems of oppression to hundreds. My message for today is be grateful. You may not have the Porsche or the projection screen but you do have the people around you. If you are anything like myself those people are few and far between so cherish them. Text the friend you lost contact with months,,, years ago. Call the parent that you haven't heard from (they really appreciate it)! Do something nice for your partner (they'll probably do something really nice for you ;-) ) Breathe! Take a step back from the term paper or quarterly report and smile. And know that you have life, you have hope and that's one of the most powerful forces in the world. Know that your voice matters and others want to hear it. Know that whether you look like someone on the cover of a magazine or freckles red hear and acne that you're so beautiful. Know that you're important and smart. If you know this others will see it in you. Give your permission to shine.

Stuck

Again  I took a break for my sanity just to loose it again. I find myself worrying far too much about the future. I'm still in school earning my degree. But, I feel lost at my job. My fluency isn't as great as it used to be so I become embrassed and lose my train of thought. It makes me question my future in the language and my career. The more I get frustrated with that, the more I find I like the feminist movement and gender studies. There isn't many opening for a gender studies high school teacher though. Switching majors at this point would require another three years anyway. I feel stuck.

On the inimate side of things: things are okay. I say okay because I'm still madly in love with the man I've been with for several months now. We spent the holidays with eachother and our children. It's been great. Although we haven't moved in together, due to finances. I did move into the same town though. So we have been seeing alot more of eachother. Until recently, when his company started required over time. We still connect in the bedroom, actually its where we spend most of our time. Either watching Game of Throne reruns (preping him for the new season, I'm oddly proud of myself for getting him hooked on the series) or just getting some quiet time in before our children destroy the house together. The problem lies when we aren't together. He doesn't like talking on the phone and our texting always seems to lead to confusion or disappointment. I'm not sure how to redemy this.

My daughter on the other hand is doing amazing. She's healthy and always full of energy, as an almost three year old little one should be. She absolutely loves Dora and Jake and the neverland pirates. She seems to be a girly girl with pink and purple everywhere but she races cars and blows things up on MineCraft with her uncle as well. As a mom this makes me very proud. Like every other two year old she is in a phase where, if I would let her, she would only get fruit snacks, preferrably Dora of course. So that's it's own challenge. Also we can't seem to get her fully potty trained. She loves wearing big girl panties but she gets into a show and has accidents. With me being gone most work days from 10am to almost 10pm I find it hard to help with this process.

So I have tons going on but in my own sphere it feels like nothing. I feel like I'm going through the motions. I feel like I'm doing what is expected of me. Like recently, I started thinking about marriage. Especially with so many people begging for the right lately. With my mother and step dad both having previous divorces. I have no models even in my extended family, with one exception for a successful loving marriage. So I question whether by adversion to the idea is a rebellious teen idea that I need to get rid of or be happy being with the person by my side?

Confused

I think I'm going through a mid-midlife crisis. I'm 20 and a single mom still living with my parents. So needless to say I'm struggling to save money and get my own place. So that's frustrating as well as putting in enough time with home/work/studying. My grades are wavering and it worries me about the future I can set up for my daughter. I don't want her to look back and think that I couldn't provide for her or that she was a burden. No child should think this. I'm also at a impasse in my personal relationship. The man that I've been dating and I are speaking about moving in together. Him out from the apartment he shares with the mother of his child and me from my parents. This would mean a 45 min less commute for me but finding childcare (which I've looked into a possible found cheap). It would also mean a huge step in a relationship that is only a few months old. I am worried in this because this is the first relationship for either of us since our respective ex's. I love him and I trust him completely. But.. there's also a but with me. I always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because it tends to in my life. I know that he is far better choice than my past domestic violent relationships but the cold feet are still present. I'm worried this amount isn't normal and my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I'm not scared of his interaction with my daughter because he is great with both his own son and her.  

Frustration at work

I love my job and I'm super glad for the opportunity.
I wanted to get that out of the way before I rant and sound super ungrateful. To explain I'm in a management position, overseeing groups of children in an after school program. So security and information is super important right? Well, I took over the position over a week ago and am finally able to go through and double check information. I have found I have little to no information on the children we are helping, which is necessary because as a company we submit the information for grants to keep the opportunity running. On top of that we have no background checks done on volunteers who work with students on a daily basis! But we have coloring pages and cross word puzzles. Needless to say I'm extremely frustrated and concerned. My predecessor is currently a volunteer and she is great with the kids but I'm not sure what she was doing for 40+ hours a week because it wasn't taking care of business. On the more aggravating level of things I have to wait until students start showing up to get any information, and or my boss decides to come in so I can learn how to do the background checks on everyone. So now I feel like I'm the one not doing my job and not the one picking up the lost slack. This would be okay but I am taking time away from my daughter, school, and new relationship for a job that is about as organized as a frat party after one am.

More frequent

I'm going to start posting more regularly. I finally have my schedule with work and school and social pretty much down. Work is mostly 9-5 then the after school portion working with multicultural kids on academic and nutrition habits. Over my lunch break I go to class and study better ways to communicate and connect with the kids. On the social side, my boyfriend and I are doing great and are actually thinking about moving in together since we only get a few days together every time he gets paid. With me not being able to afford a cell phone the only communication we get regularly is over facebook. And that goes in and out with wifi coverage and down time at work. It hasn't been officially but for three months now but we have shared so much already.

Unseen advantage

We all see the difference among each other as we go through life. Probably starting as early as grade school noticing differences in labels on folders and lunch boxes. Then later its jeans and headphones. As a soon to be teachers I have been wondering what the best way to approach these financial differences are. Being a multicultural teacher I am supposed to address the cultural differences. How do I approach the topics of racism and repression without causing discomfort to those races of students I am speaking for and guilt for those students whose grandparents and parents are the ones causing these treatments.
Not only races differences but financial as well. Am I supposed to expect more from the student who has a brand new laptop and private tutor or am I supposed to give the same judgement to the child who hasn't had breakfast and minimal supper for weeks? Today in one of my classes we took a step forward for advantages we got in the world. Two parent household, college graduating parents, private schools etc. At the end of the lesson I was one of the ones closest to where we had started.
I tried my hardest not to feel resentful to the students who haven't had to take out loans and second jobs. I tried not to feel pouty for living in the ghetto and using food stamps when no one was looking. I strive my hardest to make a life worth living for my daughter so she can have some of those advantages in life but its ridiculously hard to get ahead in these times.
This country's dream is hard work returns great profits. Well I call BS. Yes there are self made millionaires who worked 20+ years before they got somewhere but there are also ones who traded some of daddy's money around.
I find myself wondering who I would be if my situation growing up had been different. If my mom hadn't married and then widowed young and if she had gone to college. If I had not moved so much and established healthy friendships. Sadly I wonder if my daughter would be here and I wouldn't be chugging a 6 pack at some Ivy League school not having to pay attention in class.
I don't wish these disadvantages on anyone.

Rant

Equality in the US then and now.

"All men are created equal" when it was written meaning all Christian White Male Landowners were given some basic rights. This nation may have been built on good intent but was sown with fear of the different and unknown. One major problem with this company of revolutionary colonists was they saw the errors of the English realm and decided to go further back to other more flawed institutions as role models to begin their new 'free' country. 

We coin ourselves the home of the brave because of our men and women who sign up to fight for the freedom of this country which is all true but we are still living in a country where a large percent of the population would define "all men are created equal" the same as their ancestors did 300 years ago. 

Legally this country has had strides, not near as quick as our european counterparts but strides none the less. It has been 50 years since a very important man stood up against the powers at be for freedom for people like himself. He was a great man with a just cause but I believe its time for someone to fight for our country as a whole. 

Every day we see the results of fear, ignorance and swollen pride mixed with self made power. When are we as a people going to stand together and put into reality this dream of equality? Yes we have laws ensuring equality of places to live, work, eat and enjoy with all people alike and not. Even more slowly this government is passing rights on equality of loving others and freedom for our bodies. Progress is being made but not fast enough. 

This bugs me on several levels. Firstly as a human being I believe everyone should have the right to do as they wish as long as it doesn't harm others especially behind closed doors. When people are in public they need to display understanding for others and work toward acceptance. This may be asking alot of citizens and visitors alike but in todays age of 'easy access knowledge' and our self proclaimed mixing pot of cultures tolerance is not enough. Secondly as a mother I don't want my daughter or my step son to interact with children who have been taught to think down to others. I would not wish them to be judged on coming from mixed families and am I not teaching them to treat anyone differently. 

In making sure this is possible there are simple steps everyone can take that don't require huge life changes. Awareness is the first in making the next generation better people so we can be proud of the coming citizens. We as parents cannot be over protective and try to shelter our children from everything we deem unnecessary, risky and or different. We need to set the example of being culturally aware and involve ourselves into as many different points of view as possible. Not necessarily to change current beliefs but to appreciate the existence of others around us.

Dating update

I know everyone says this when they start dating but I think he's the one. He is funny and caring. His son is also adorable. The only problem is he still lives with the mother of his child. It makes seeing him awkward. Not sure how to approach the situation without sounding demanding and needy. We fell fast and it's hard to slow down and think with my brain after feelings are flowing like that. He has a decent paying job and he treats me and my daughter like we walk on water. I don't have a super model shape so when he compliments my body along with my personality it definitely makes me rethink that all men are pigs.
On the lit side of things. I've been rereading A song of ice and fire by George RR Martin. Also I read the two series of Cassandra Clare. I can't wait to be able to see A city of Bones the movie. That's the blessing/curse of having a full work schedule you have the money to do things just not much time. And then when you have time you don't want to, all you want to do is relax. Even though it's only been a week I am already missing True Blood. More though I can't wait for season 4 of Game of Thrones from the aforementioned Martins novels. My favorite character will always be Tyrion but Khaleesi will be a close tie.

Declaration

Today has been an average day in my house. I read several tales from an adult story website. My favorite being about an escort service. It surely helped with my own writing. I did a different style of writing today instead of third person I wrote in first. I think it made my connection stronger but I'm not quite sure with the audience. I also read Tycoon's Revenge  which was from a male's point of view just like the website's story. I quite enjoyed the help on the other side of the pleasure.
On the more personal side of today it was a very forth coming day for the boyfriend and I. Both emotional exploration and physical. Both of us had been burned by the other parent of our respective children so reservation was natural. After a deep heart to heart on my birthday yesterday we connected even deeper. This past weekend we finally embraced each other on a more personal level and found we are compatible in that respect as well. Him meeting my parents went more and less smoothly than I would have thought in the past. I have still yet to meet his parents or any family or friends but that will be soon.
Hopefully this weekend will follow the last and will be connective as well. I am excited to meet his son and for his son to interact my daughter. Not exactly right now because my daughter is definitely having a terrible two day. So today's post will be short. I'll leave you with this thought. When you're having a bad day as a parent just remember your child will be a teenager soon and you will be able to embarrass the heck out of them.

Finally Change

Well tons have changed since I wrote last. Mainly because it has been months. I am dating since the break with the father of my child. I'm proactively working toward my desired weight. I'm putting in at least three writing hours each day. I've dyed my hair back to a darker color and cut in into layers. I've returned to glasses as well. I've been reading Beautiful Creatures  I also watched the newly released movie which was surprisingly good. I've also been broadening my music interests. Now I have been listening to Theory of a Deadman and other music of that genre.
Firstly dating. I never knew I had a type before but now I believe I do. The guy who has been courting me is old fashioned, funny, and a parent also. He lives in the city I go to college in. He has a job that gives him three days off a week. Actually this last weekend we spent it together mostly alone. It was very romantic and intimate. We talked about a wide range of topics until the early hours of the morning every night. I am very happy and hopeful that this relationship will be long lasting.
Because of this new affection I have been feeling more affection toward myself thus wanting to improve upon it. I've been walking and doing zumba at night. I really enjoy making myself look and feel better. Therefore the outward changes to improve upon my own and my boyfriends desire for my body. Along with psychically I want to improve on my financial status as well. I have been putting dozens of hours into job searching and school. Also I have been writing hoping like my father I will be published and be able to better provide for Emma. With writing I've been reading tons more as I find the time so I can see the different styles to see what fits. The music influence is mainly because of the new beau as well. Even though he is from the Lone Star state he doesn't listen to much country himself so I find myself trying to find interest in his music.
I find myself much happier than in my previous relationship. I find myself looking toward the future and being hopeful about it. For now this is all.

Really Exicted

I'm not sure whether Blogger is featuring my snippets or people have happened across my page on accident but I was excited to see so many people take an interest in little ol' me. I will post new subjects / debates later right now I'm too frustrated that I'm paying $367 to see and work on my blog while professor behind me lectures on something I took the quiz on without studying and got a 100%. On the mean while I read Dance with Dragons first few chapters on a preview on Kindle and I'm super excited for it to come out in paperback which isn't until the end of May. That's what I get for wanting the entire series in the same cover. I bought the other four in the box set because I had read them through the library at school. Which is a plus side to UNL that I don't think a lot of colleges have, they have established a relationship with the surrounding schools and libraries to trade and loan books with eachother so students and teachers have a greater pool of access. I know I have used it over 50 times since I started going to school here 2 falls ago and they haven't failed me yet.

pointless classes

I am going to school to become an educator in foreign language with a focus on Spanish why in the world do I need to pay over $400/each for astrology, turf management, and history of jazz classes. I get the general purpose is being a well rounded person entering the work force but I think my time and money would be better served working with native speakers and first generation students. I have to pay for and sit through 14+ 'general education' classes like the aforementioned. I understand that sometimes students go into college being undecided or that they take a few biology classes and decide that being a doctor isn't for them but I am not one of those students. I have known what I want to be since I was a little kid helping my siblings with their homework and teaching them mine to help myself understand my work better. All around I think college should be a tool for me to better myself not waste 6 hours of my time a week listening to a teacher lecture about how corn grows when I live in NEBRASKA. I love the college in the broad sense but there is a lot wrong with it. Number one: I hate the two separate campuses. On the up side the college does provide you with a free bus pass for city buses so you can get around. Number two: The way they have financial aid set up is aggravating. They always have students backed up in line asking for help because it is so confusing and expensive but that's another complaint all together. Number three: The parking is far too few and far too expensive. It's almost $500 a academic year to park anywhere near campus or you have to pay a meter and risk getting a ticket if you are a few minutes late.      

Needs a change

Is it worth staying?

I am having real trouble at home with the father of my daughter. He is really lazy and has been out of a job since October. One second he is really loving and caring like a week ago I fell in the street while going to buy a soda and he was really concerned. But other days all he does is sit on the xbox while I beg my parents (whom we have to live with) to watch my one year old while I try to do homework. How to I break it off correctly? I don't want Emma to lose her father because I grew up without one until my mother got remarried in 2004. This is really troubling me and affecting other parts of my life mainly my relationships with my daughter and my parents.

Round 2

First few days back at school

      You would think my energetic passion to pull up my gpa and further my education would have lasted longer. Nope the thing I've got most excited about is creating my google site for my teach class. 

       I did finish reading The Earl's inconvenient Wife by Ruth Ann Nordin. I found myself reexamining everything I thought about arranged marriages. I also found out that Elizabeth: the disinherited daughter by Elizabeth Arnold Hitchcock is not about Queen Elizabeth I like kindle led me to believe. Also my new favorite 'go to' book is Her Dark Angel by Felicity Heaton. The passion leaped off the pages. As of moments ago I started reading The Seven Devils by Sara Danvers and I haven't been disappointed so far. 

     I will post more later on for now I am off to a Spanish class where I can't understand or hear the teacher. That is all.